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Blade: House of Chthon
Blade: House of Chthon 2006

It’s not looking like I’m going to get around to watching the new Ghost Rider anytime soon, so instead I decided to check out something else that I hadn’t seen before. When I bought the Blade series on DVD it wasn’t just a trilogy, it was four movies. The extra movie at the end was the TV movie slash pilot episode of the short lived television series on Spike TV. Blade: House of Chthon. My wife and I were both curious about it so we decided to pop it in and check it out. Long story short, I can see why the show didn’t make it past its first season.
Blade: Trinity
Blade: Trinity 2004

I’ve been feeling awful all day with an annoying runny nose and sinus headache while running all over town running errands. But I finally get to cap it off with a movie I remembered really enjoying as the last movie in the great Blade Trilogy. As a minor side note, I keep thinking this movie’s subtitle is actually Trilogy instead of Trinity. It wasn’t an awful movie by any means, but there was a lot of stuff in it that I completely didn’t agree with or didn’t make sense that I must have completely overlooked the first time I watched it.
Blade II
Blade II 2002

Another couple days and it’s not looking good for me seeing Ghost Rider in theaters. I’m not interested at all in seeing it in 3D, and it’s not too easy with my schedule to catch one of the few 2D showings. So I’ll keep an eye out for it and watch it when I can. Instead I’m pushing forward with the Blade Trilogy and I’m now on the second movie. This one is known for being directed by Guillermo Del Toro right before he went on to direct Hellboy. It also has a lot of typical changes that good sequels tend to have.
What defines a Superhero?
The goal of this blog is that I want to watch and review at least 100 superhero movies this year. But that leads to the question, what defines a superhero movie. On the tab up top for “The List” of movies that I’m watching this year there’s a brief description, but it doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter. Does a superhero have to be in comic books? Were the Incredibles a comic book before they were a movie? I don’t think so, and yet they are a classic example of a superhero team. Does a superhero have to have powers? That’s pretty much thrown out when it comes to one of the most popular superheroes of all time, Batman, and yet no one would hesitate to call him a superhero. Does a superhero have to be human? One of the other most popular superheroes of all time, Superman, is technically not a human even though he looks exactly like one. One of the more popular non-human superheroes that easily comes to mind and doesn’t look human is the Martian Manhunter. Do they have to wear a costume? X-Men origins: Wolverine is a recent movie featuring a bunch of well known superheroes, and yet not a single one of them wears a costume the entire movie. Does it have to take place during the modern day? The new Captain America almost entirely takes place in the 40’s, and Judge Dredd takes place in the future.
Blade
Blade 1998

I partly wanted to see the new Ghost Rider movie, but after reading several reviews for it, I didn’t much want to go out and see it in theaters. So things didn’t work out and at the last minute I put in Blade. I think I made the better decision. Of course if I want to stick to my schedule and have this finished by midnight it means that I only have half an hour to write this. So for those of you reading this, you can see what me writing quickly and without being able to do a second take on it later. Of course I always have the option of going back in and editing, but that’s not worth mentioning right now. Also, if you read this early you got to see this without most of the pictures, lucky you.
Ghost Rider
Ghost Rider 2007

It’s Thursday night, my Steel post went up today and I realized that I didn’t have any more banked reviews. Doing three reviews a week this month is a lot tougher for my schedule than I expected it to be. Luckily I currently own the Blade trilogy, so it’s just a matter of getting to see the new Ghost Rider sometime this weekend. And to prepare for Spirit of Vengeance, I thought it would be a good idea to catch up on the original Ghost Rider movie. It seems like there’s not a whole lot of love out there for this movie, and while it does have some pretty bad moments, I spent most of the movie grinning like a fool and I’m psyched to see the new one.
Steel
Steel 1997

It’s not even halfway through the month and I’m already watching the last non-Blade movie. Sometimes it’s weird working ahead and writing these posts ahead of time, but for as long as I can manage I enjoy having some breathing room. That’s one of the reasons why I didn’t go for some crazy project like watching and reviewing a movie daily. Anyway I’m getting really far off the point of the movie. It was late at night on a Friday, Jena was obsessed with wanting to watch this “farting horse movie” as she called it, also known as The Greening of Whitney Brown… I think I liked “farting horse movie” better. So once again I just watched the movie with my wife. But anyway, towards the end of Shaq’s basketball career and near the height of his fame, he decided he wanted to branch out and cash in on that fame. The quickest route apparently was movies and he joined a project based on one of the characters that I believe was introduced during the Death of Superman comic book event, Steel.
Women Superheroes in movies
Last week I talked about Black Superheroes in movies and there’s not very many of them, and there’s only a couple good ones in there. And I’m getting close to finishing up the movies for February so I thought I should make a plan for what to watch in March. There aren’t any new movies coming out until The Avengers in early May so there’s no help there. I looked it up online and like February is Black History month, I saw that March is Women’s history month. Then I went to my list of movies to look for movies that have a woman in the lead superhero role. I only found 6. Two of them I had already reviewed and they were awful, Supergirl and Catwoman. The next four didn’t seem to be much better, My Super Ex Girlfriend, Elektra, Barb Wire, and Tank Girl. I think I’ve heard mixed reviews on Tank Girl, but the rest are really bad.
The Meteor Man
The Meteor Man 1993

I watched this several days after Blankman, a movie that came out one year later with a couple cast members from In Living Color, and yet I liked this movie a lot more. I had seen this movie a long time ago and I remembered liking it, but judging from the general internet opinion I was expecting a complete disaster. But when I actually put it in to watch it again, I surprisingly enjoyed it. In my opinion there’s a heck of a lot more laughs in this movie than there ever was in Blankman. It still goes a little over the top into the cheese train, and it tries with varying degrees of success to inject a message into it. But at least it’s a lot more inspiring than whatever message you can take from Blankman.
Now I’ve gone into this month looking at Black superheroes, and most of them are just a typical comic book movie that happens to have someone black as the main superhero. This feels much more like a superhero movie made for a black audience. It has a ton of cast members that you can recognize from something or another. They may be famous for other things, but I recognized the mother from Family Matters, one of the women from 227, Benson, James Earl Jones, Cyprus Hill, Sinbad, and even an early appearance by Don Cheadle as one of the goofy blonde gang members. Even though he doesn’t say a word, Bill Cosby is the standout and every time he’s on screen he’s fantastically hysterical. But looking at it from the perspective of it being a black movie, it’s kind of odd that the head of all of the gangs is an old white guy. Even though he’s the bad guy, it’s just weird that the guy with the most power is still white. And the music is a real standout from a ton of popular acts which also have cameos throughout the movie. Unlike Blankman, I thought the music for this movie actually fit into the world of the movie much better, I think it helped that the music itself was a lot better too.

One of the first things to notice about this movie is how many superhero cliches are avoided in this movie. The main character played by Robert Townsend of the movie is not a typical heroic guy. He’s seen encouraging smaller kids to run and hide from bullies instead of standing up and fighting. He even hides in a dumpster to avoid gang members and stays there for several hours after they’re gone to make sure he’s safe. Not only that but when he gets his powers he would rather not use them, it takes the convincing of his parents and the rest of the community center to push him into cleaning up the neighborhood. A community that all know his “secret identity”. Even the gang members know his secret identity. And at the end, he loses all his powers and becomes a normal guy, which does kind of kill the idea of a sequel. Heck, even though he gains the ability to fly, he’s afraid of heights and spends most of the movie flying just a few feet off the ground.

The next thing to notice about this movie is the extremely odd assortment of powers given by the meteor. There’s the standards that pretty much just mimic Superman’s abilities of flight, invulnerability, super speed, x-ray vision, heat laser vision, and frost breath. But on top of that he has the abilities to absorb all the information of a book for thirty seconds, talk to dogs, heal injuries by touch, move objects with telekinesis, grow plants at an extraordinary rate and size, and control electronics. Some of the abilities are used for their comic effect, but most of them are used just to help sell one of the more dramatic elements of the plot. It would have been great if more of the abilities were used for comedy or even if just the sheer amount of abilities was used for comedy in some way.
The costume is something of a selling point of how bad this movie is and I just don’t agree with that. I think the costume is really great for what it is trying to convey. It’s set up as a costume that’s made by the guy’s mother in one of those familiar bad costume montages. The logo looks pretty great, but the costume looks like something that could have been made by an actual person. And not something that was made by a complete moron like in Blankman. There’s no way anyone outside of a professional costume designer could make Spiderman’s new costume by themselves. There’s also a great scene towards the end where they throw Meteor Man a thank you party where many of the members of the community are wearing those turned down bad costumes of his.
I’ve gone through a lot of what I liked about this movie, but it is far from perfect. While it is pretty funny throughout, it does have a few moments that are a little too unbelievable and also aren’t really played up for being funny. Like when Robert Townsend first sees two of his students snatching a purse, and when he goes to stop him, what seems like the entire Golden Lords gang comes out of the shadows and they have a frikkin tiger?! And once in a while when they shoehorn in a “message” which in places it comes off as heartfelt, but in others it feels a little too off, especially during the Cyprus Hill non Golden Lords gangfight. On top of that, some of the effects feel a little dated, but the movie isn’t really built around the effects and I didn’t think it took too much away from the movie because of it. I think the biggest problem really is the fact that the main antagonist of this movie, the Golden Lords gang, is really silly. There’s just something goofy about a bunch of black guys, and young black kids called “baby lords” with weird bleach blonde hair, and the leader uses a Slinky of all things to intimidate his victims. And I’m pretty sure I mentioned the tiger. Seriously, they have a frikkin tiger with them and it just makes no sense to me.

All in all, it was a lot of fun to revisit this movie. I enjoyed it a lot, it was fun seeing all the actors that I recognized and if you’re a fan of sitcoms and/or rap artists around this era it’s great to catch all the cameos. If you’re looking for a serious superhero movie, look somewhere else. But this movie has a whole lot of funny moments and when it works, the dramatic moments can surprisingly hit home. I just wish they could have been a bit more consistent on that front. The Meteor Man is definitely worth a look. Next up for me is one I haven’t seen before but I imagine will be neck and neck between Catwoman for worst movie of the month, check out my review of Steel on Thursday. Until next time this has been Bubbawheat for Flights, Tights, and Movie Nights.
Blankman
Blankman 1994

It had felt like it had been a while since I had watched a movie, nobody else in the house was interested in watching a movie. My wife was laying in bed not feeling well and Jena just plain wasn’t interested. So I picked a movie I didn’t think either of them would miss watching, Blankman. I think I made a good call on that one. I thought Catwoman was funnier than this movie and it’s not even technically a comedy. I do have to admit there were a couple times I chuckled at the jokes but they were few and far between. I’m also not going to list which jokes they were, but when I was telling my wife about this movie I looked up the trailer to show to her and every single moment that I thought was funny was crammed into the trailer.
Anyway this movie was released shortly after In Living Color finished its run on television and it starred two of the show’s cast members, Damon Wayans and David Allen Greer. If you’ve seen the show you might think this was an attempt to bring Handi-man to the big screen, but instead of being physically handicapped, Blankman is just socially handicapped. He’s a nerd that lives with his brother and grandmother and makes gadgets out of junk. Unlike most other comedic characters that invent weird gadgets like Data from the Goonies or the guy from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, pretty much all of his gadgets actually work the way he intends them to, they just look like trash. One of the things he creates is bulletproof fabric and he uses it to create a costume so he can become a crimefighter. And then there’s a series of increasingly ridiculous crimefighting scenarios where he’s given a chance to save the day.

My biggest problem with this movie is when it feels like it’s trying to be serious, it’s goofy, and when it’s trying to be funny, it’s just not funny. Like every time Blankman gets kissed he has a total spaz because we’re supposed to believe that he’s never had an erection before and is surprised and confused by it. And the mob boss villain happens to have dozens of explosives all set to go off at the exact same time, twice. The first time it blows up an entire bank, and the second time it’s supposed to blow up an entire skyscraper but it’s contained in a washing machine robot. And the second time the mob boss shows up, he’s wearing satin for some inexplicable reason other than to make a joke about it that’s not even funny.
And I haven’t even mentioned the girl, Kimberly. She’s a star reporter for the local news station while Blankman’s brother Kevin played by Greer has the hots for her. But of course as soon as Blankman starts showing his face stopping crime she has the hots for his badly homemade costume and acts like a total fangirl over him. It’s totally ridiculous and not even in a funny way. She spends the entire movie talking about how great Blankman is because apparently the audience needs someone in the movie to convince them that Blankman is a good superhero because he doesn’t even really do anything. Aside from the finale, the only thing that you see Blankman do to actually stop any crime is use a boot to the head to a convenience store robber. Kevin has some pretty unconvincing Karate moves that easily make whoever he’s fighting fall limply over. I understand that it’s a comedy but the fight scenes should have gone one of two ways. Either they should be surprisingly convincingly real which was used to good effect in Kick-Ass, or they should be so over the top ridiculous that the fight itself is a joke. Blankman appears to make it seem like they are really fighting, but it’s worse than B-movie fight choreography.

It really felt like this could have been a good superhero sendup but they didn’t go far enough. Most characters in a superhero story whether it is a comic book or a movie are already caricatures. From the hero to the villain to the damsel in distress, they are often portrayed as an exaggerated form of reality. It felt like most of the comedy in this movie came from trying to play the characters as caricatures of real people instead of caricatures of caricatures. In other words, most of the characters in this movie felt like just badly written comic book characters rather than funny exaggerations of comic book characters. The only side character that I thought was pretty funny was Jason Alexander as the no nonsense editor-in-chief of the tabloid news show… or paper, I forget which.

Taken as a superhero movie, the fights were awful, the costumes were awful, and the characters were awful. Taken as a comedy, all that awfulness didn’t translate to awfully funny, it was just… how do I say this without sounding repetitive, awful. If you’re a fan of In Living Color… go watch In Living Color. I just don’t really have anything good to say about this movie at all. Even the music seemed out of place, it was kind of nice to hear some old school hip hop music, but a lot of it was made for the movie and wasn’t very good, and besides that it didn’t seem like it was mixed well. I’m not usually one to pay attention to sound design or anything, but when the music started it just seemed to come out of nowhere and tried to take over the scene. Anyway, I’ll be taking a look at The Meteor Man for Tuesday’s review on Valentine’s day which is a lot funnier than this movie. Until next time this has been Bubbawheat for Flights, Tights, and Movie Nights.















